


giddy with companionship

by antpelts



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Confessions, Crack Treated Seriously, Developing Relationship, Feelings Realization, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Canon, Starting Over, kind of ldskfjskdlf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-12 12:27:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28510401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antpelts/pseuds/antpelts
Summary: All of that to say he was left alone on the couch, water bottle in his lap, trying to recuperate.There was no way in hell that he was ready to face another conversation like either he’d had that day. Or even another argument. He didn’t want to fight Jared, it hadn’t felt good. It still didn’t feel good.// evan and jared talk after the note gets posted
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Jared Kleinman
Comments: 11
Kudos: 50





	giddy with companionship

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kkamikaze](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kkamikaze/gifts).



> so.. its the actual gifting day for sincerely-us on tumblr.. and my b had two prompts.. so.. naturally........ lov you kayla i hope this is like not too bad i didnt.. beta [clown]

> [Snapchat]  
>  _from Jare⚡_

* * *

Evan blinked down at his phone a few times in quick succession. He’d only gotten back from the Murphy’s around two hours ago, and _then_ he’d sat with his mom on the couch and cried the rest of his body weight in water. After a lot of hugs and reassurances she’d cobbled together a small dinner, leaving him with a blanket on the couch after they ate to head to bed. There was a promise of them watching a movie together the next night.

All of that to say he was left alone on the couch, water bottle in his lap, trying to recuperate.

There was no way in hell that he was ready to face another conversation like either he’d had that day. Or even another _argument._ He didn’t want to fight Jared, it hadn’t felt good. It still didn’t feel good.

A lot of things didn’t feel good without him. It had his stomach twisted in knots with a quiet guilt settled down inside. His thoughts always circled back to Jared, it felt wrong. Wrong like he wasn’t _allowed_ to think about him. Which, that was probably true. If Jared’s opinion really did matter as much as it seemed to, why’d it take him so long to think twice about it?

Though, he’d be lying if he tried to pretend it _didn’t_ matter that much.

Hesitant hands tapped in his password and unlocked his phone, opening the picture.

It was only of the upper half of Jared’s face, his hair was stuck down to his forehead, smushed by the hood he had pulled over his head. It took Evan a second to even read the text because he was too focused on how the flash lit up Jared’s face and reflected off his glasses. He was obviously in bed, in the dark, faint tear tracks on his cheeks - he’d obviously been crying.

The sight immediately had Evan’s eyes watering for the third time that day and he sniffled quietly, blinking back the sting so he could read the words Jared had put on the picture and-

> _‘nooo dont kill urself your so sexy aha’_

Some things never changed.

On autopilot Evan double tapped on Jared’s name, taking a crooked picture of himself. It was unlike anything he’d posted on his social media under the eye of his new following. It was messy and _he_ was messy, face red, eyes puffy. He didn’t bother smiling, brows drawn together in some mix of concern and frustration. It was just _normal,_ it was how he’d always respond to stupid memes and pictures Jared used to send him all the time.

> _‘can u please be normal for 2 seconds’_

Before he could even process what he’d done it was over, picture delivered.

Only then did the worry set in, over his tone, over even opening the message, over the fact that he responded at all. Was it too aggressive? Was Jared going to think he was trying to start another fight?

Why had Jared even sent that in the first place? They hadn’t spoken since the other day, the same day he’d fought with Alana and-

Alana.

The note.

It made sense - that Jared would be able to conclude that the note was his. With all the information he had it would’ve been weirder if he didn’t piece it together. So, that much made sense. What was jarring was the fact that he reached out. Sure, they’d been close before and they weren’t necessarily not close.. just fading, it just left a pang echoing hollowly in his chest. It gave away more than Jared would ever offer on his own.

‘I’m thinking about you.’

‘I’m worried about you.’

‘Are you okay?’

Anything else wouldn’t make sense, even if he didn’t necessarily think he had any specific pull for Jared - or anyone, really. If Jared didn’t give a shit he would’ve gone radio silent, would’ve acted like he never saw the note. And Evan would believe it! It wouldn’t be shocking if Jared never wanted to think about him again, he’d been struggling to accept that.

Funny enough, it almost ached more to know he was on Jared’s mind. To know that he was occupying a space he didn’t deserve to have any jurisdiction over - and not even in some self-deprecating way. Just genuinely he knew he fucked up and didn’t deserve to have Jared fretting over him. In his mind the other had terminated the friendship the second he’d walked away in the hall and thinking that he might not have was a lot to process.

Sure, he wanted that - to still be friends - but even without the mess of the last few months it had always been hard to place where he stood with Jared. For years it had been some balancing act, every few weeks or months where things seemed good were always mirrored with nearly the same amount of awkward distance and stilted conversations. 

Evan’s attention was pulled from his thoughts as his phone lit up, the light catching his attention.

Oh.

* * *

**jare**

_December 2, 4:23 pm_

are u coming over  
i got a thing at 7 tonight so

yeah gimme like ten min

_December 16, 9:54 pm_

ur home right?

yeah moms asleep tho she has to get up early

lol who said i was gonna come over

oh sorry

shit thats not lgfjlgkfd  
are u like busy or smthn

not really?  
i mean im not lol

wanna come over?

oh ur parents are still gone right?

avoiding the question i see  
and it doesnt really matter does it

i mean no i was just asking  
sorry yeah   
why?

just come over  
im not gonna like fuckin ambush you  
i can pick u up if you want tho

i can walk two blocks !!!  
its cold but not that cold dude

bold coming from u  
mister ‘almost got frostbite in 6th grade’

that wasnt My fault!

whateverrrr  
ur stalling

im not!  
ill be there in a bit

* * *

It felt too familiar - too normal. Or, like, normal circa a few years ago. It felt like the summer before sophomore year, except it was barely 20 degrees out and there were no cicadas buzzing when he stepped out onto the porch. It was just past ten and the little road for the cul-de-sac was silent, making the click of his key in the lock seem that much louder. Everything felt so much heavier in the quiet, it felt like there were rocks in the pockets of his coat, just moving his legs was a fight. A mix of nerves and plain exhaustion from the whole day; he couldn’t help but keep thinking about the Murphys, the looks on their faces. 

He wasn’t quite sure he could take any - well deserved - heat from Jared too.

The walk felt shorter than usual, almost too short. He didn’t feel ready, he hadn’t had enough time to prepare himself, but the Kleinmans’ house loomed in front of him with no regard for his readiness. It was dark against the stark lights on the block, the only house not drenched in Christmas lights. 

“You gonna come in or stand there like a creep?” Jared’s voice was a little weak and Evan was sure it only carried because there was no wind or any other interfering sounds. He felt his face heat up at getting caught just spacing out on the front sidewalk, which, luckily was hidden by the redness on his face from the cold.

There really wasn’t a need to respond, Evan’s response instead came in the form of him giving himself a little shake and starting up towards the porch, hands shoved deep in his pockets. His fingers twitched, tugging at a loose thread inside one of his pockets. When he hit the top step he was able to see Jared a little more clearly; his hood was still tugged up over his head, the strings in a loose bow under his chin.

“Sorry, I just..” Evan pulled a hand out of his pocket, gesturing weakly while he watched Jared take a few steps back, letting him inside. He went to toe off his shoes while pushing the door shut behind him but he stumbled as Jared tugged him into his arms before he could get one shoe off.

“Fucking idiot,” the words were dampened not only in sound but also in tone as Jared pressed his face to Evan’s shoulder, glasses a bit askew. If Evan hadn’t already been able to tell Jared was crying he would’ve figured it out at this point; Jared sniffled, fingers curling to tightly grip the back of Evan’s coat. “I would- I.. Fuck, Ev.”

He didn’t even need to say it for Evan to know what he was getting at, it had his own eyes stinging with the threat of tears.

“I’m sorry, I- shit, I’m-” Evan cut himself off with a short sob, melting into Jared’s grip and bringing his own arms up around his shoulders.

“Don’t apologize, okay?” There was a pause before Jared tucked his head up under Evan’s chin, “at least not for- not for the.. the note, alright?”

“Alright.” With Jared tucked up to him he couldn’t really nod, opting for a verbal confirmation instead, fingers subconsciously tracing patterns on the back of Jared’s shoulders.

They fell into a silence together, slipping into a slight sway together - Evan wasn’t sure who started it, he just knew he was there, holding onto Jared, rocking gently between his feet.

* * *

“Dude, at least text your mom so she doesn’t flip when you don’t go home,” Jared nudged Evan’s arm with his foot before sinking back into the couch cushions a little more, adjusting his legs in Evan’s lap.

A hug turned into a short cry together, which turned into a subdued sort of talk - _‘do you still feel like that?’_ \- before they both settled onto Jared’s couch with a bag of chips between them and Food Network on the TV. 

“Mhm,” Evan hummed absently, reaching for his phone, letting his arms rest on top of Jared’s shins while he texted. “So you’re inviting me to, uh- to sleep over?”

For the first time in a while Evan’s words to him held a teasing tone, a slight grin pulling on his lips.

“Well, it’s been a while.” He’d forgotten how nice it was to see that little grin from Jared.

“Yeah it- I’m.. sorry. Like, about all of that. Not even just.. um, not even just the.. Connor stuff,” he still winced a little even saying his name, “but also just.. everything. I’ve, um, missed you? Which.. it was really stupid but, uh.. I guess, like, part of me wanted you to keep helping because.. because it was _you,_ y’know? I mean- we both know I fucked up and I.. it was shit of me to- to, like, use you like that but.. I really did miss you.”

“I.. yeah,” Jared murmured with a sigh, pushing himself to sit up. His legs were still haphazardly over Evan’s lap as he sat up to be on his eye level, sitting next to him. “I’m sorry about that part too. Just, like, after freshman year.. I know I’ve been a dick and if I.. fuck, if I knew that you felt.. shit. I was being stupid and just.. I missed you, too.”

The sentiment had Evan’s lips pulled into a sad smile and he deflated a bit with a short sigh. After a second he let his head droop to the side, bumping against Jared’s shoulder before he just let it rest there.

“It’s.. I mean, I’m a little, uh.. fucked up,” he paused to snort out a slight laugh, “just.. it’s not your fault really that I was, um, feeling like that? I.. thanks, though. I- so.. I mean- are we saying ‘missed’ as in, like.. uh, past tense or?”

“You’re a dork. Can you just ask a question, like, normally?” Jared huffed out his own laugh, letting his head tilt to bump lightly against Evan’s in response. It had been a while since Evan had been tactile with anyone, aside from scattered displays of affection with Zoe. Before that Jared was really the only person who _could_ get in his space. He missed that too.

“I- I mean, could.. just, like- Could we be, uh.. friends again? Like, properly?”

With that, Jared leaned back, eyes searching over Evan’s face, only coming up with sincerity.

“Mhm, sure thing bud.”

“Bud?” A laugh slipped out - a little louder than expected - that seemed to catch both of them off guard for a second before Jared was laughing too. A little shifting had Jared’s legs moved and them sitting with their shoulders pressed together, scattered giggles between them.

“I- listen!” Jared bumped their knees together and Evan could practically hear the eye roll in his tone, “that’s a- that’s like.. a friend word!”

“A ‘friend word’..” Evan parroted back, grin dangerously wide.

“You’re so insufferable.”

* * *

It had been years since Evan had stayed over at Jared’s, even longer since they’d shared a bed. Between middle school and senior year, though, Jared had upgraded to a queen sized mattress. It fit them both better than a twin could.

The sun cutting through the curtains was what woke Evan up finally. Well, not fully, at least at first. The light had him rolling over onto his other side, reaching to tug the blankets back up around him as he processed the chill of the room. When he couldn’t find it he blinked his eyes open, squinting against the sunlight as he patted around for the comforter. Once the room came into focus he saw it bunched up around Jared’s hips, pulled away in the middle of the night. 

With a near silent, amused huff Evan reached down to grab a corner of the comforter, gently tugging some of it over. The movement caught Jared’s attention, had him rolling over from his back onto his own side, now facing Evan himself. His hair was a mess, flattened against his forehead, eyes screwed shut still to block out the light.

“What time is it?” Jared’s voice was still heavy with sleep and he cracked one eye open only the slightest amount to catch a glimpse of him.

They both definitely needed to brush their teeth but something about the sunlight coloring Jared’s hair more golden than anything had Evan’s eyes watering with a rush of emotion. Before he could actually think anything through he was shuffling closer until their knees bumped, a tentative hand settling on Jared’s cheek before he pressed a chaste, close-mouthed kiss to his lips.

_Fuck._

Suddenly a rush of anxiety gripped his chest - how had he not learned? Jared was the only one he’d told about his near kiss with Zoe that nearly fucked that whole thing up and.. considering his reaction to _that._ He couldn’t help but flinch, pushing himself to sit up quickly, scrambling to put as much space between them as he could. 

Jared wasn’t laughing, though. He blinked in surprise - he looked so vulnerable without his glasses on - slowly sitting up himself to put them on even ground.

“I- I don’t think your girlfriend would be too happy about this.” It was.. far less harsh than Evan had expected and he wanted to blame the warm sleepiness that was still draped over them. Still the mention of Zoe - _girlfriend_ \- made him flinch a little.

“No, she’s..” He stopped himself from making some claim that she wasn’t his girlfriend, she _had_ been, and opted to be more accurate, “we.. we, like broke up. It’s a.. like, it’s a whole thing that happened yesterday, um.. I mean, I was waiting to tell you- uh, like, I wanted to wait until we’d gotten some sleep- I’m.. shit, I’m sorry-”

“Well, I’m not really looking to be a rebound, dude,” Jared cut him off, forcing out a short laugh but Evan could pick up on the poorly masked hurt in his words. Of course. Of fucking course. Jared wasn’t in his head, there was no way he could see Evan’s intentions. No one could. The only way to be clear was to actually _speak._

“No!” They both seemed a bit surprised at how sharply Evan choked it out. “That’s.. it’s a whole thing I- um, like.. Zoe and I were like..” he gestured with his hands weakly before clenching them into fists and tucking them under his legs where he sat, “it was stupid. Her and I.. just, I’m sorry. It’s weird, it’s like- I.. Okay, so- so basically, the Zoe stuff just.. I mean you read the letter it was.. it was some stupid last ditch effort to feel, like, normal.”

“Normal?” Jared wasn’t laughing, wasn’t kicking him out.

“Just.. she’s like.. objectively, um, pretty and like.. she’s nice. She’s good at things, she’s in jazz and, like.. so she just seemed like the perfect person to, um, like? If I could.. like a girl, it’d have to be her, right? Otherwise I- I mean, other- otherwise I must be.. must be, uh, like.. broken because-”

“Woah, hey. Ev, stop.” 

Evan was glad for the interruption, it gave him time to clear his throat after his voice had broken, it gave him a second to blink back tears.

“I.. I think I’m, like, gay? And I know- it’s just that I know.. my dad, he- he.. he would blame it on my mom raising me. Which.. is stupid, but.. and I already feel so.. so- um, so-”

“Hey, dude. Chill,” Jared’s words were softer than he’d expected and he bit his tongue to keep from flinching. “I mean.. first of all, Mark can choke-”

Despite everything Evan snorted out a short laugh, drawing a grin from Jared.

“I mean.. fair.”

“Second of all, just.. if you’re gay that’s not- like, there’s nothing _wrong_ with you, dude.”

“I mean, I.. I know,” logically he _did,_ but it was nice to hear, “at least.. like now I do.”

“So.. I mean, what?” There was a nervous little laugh from Jared, something Evan wasn’t used to hearing directed towards him. It was something reserved for watching Jared weasel out of weird social situations he got himself into. “Did _I_ project those vibes? Like.. ‘safe to use for your gay awakening’? ‘Cause, like-”

“Huh? No,” Evan shook his head quickly, brows creasing in concern. With a stressed huff he shifted to more fully face Jared, nervously forcing himself into eye contact. “That’s.. sorry, it was weird to just- I don’t wanna.. um, fuck. I don’t wanna fuck this- like, this whole thing.. You’re- shit, man. You’re my best friend and I don’t want to- I don’t wanna immediately, like.. uh, lose that, like.. _again,_ but, uh.. It wasn’t like..” he squirmed a bit, feeling his face heating up a little as he dragged the confession out of himself, “it wasn’t like.. ‘oh time to just- just, uh kiss a guy and see how that, um, feels’? I.. I mean, it’s.. _you?_ I mean- like, granted I’ve.. been trying to, um, not think about the whole thing a lot but.. it’s you. You’re just.. great and I- I.. shit, I’m sorry?”

The long winded, roundabout confession was followed by a short silence that had Evan’s skin prickling, had him wanting to run away and not look back.

“Oh.”

It wasn’t the worst reaction but it still didn’t feel great.

“It’s fine! I mean- uh, obviously it’s _fine_ that you don’t-”

“Please stop talking, Ev,” Jared’s voice was lighter this time, his shoulders seemed a little more relaxed. A hint of amusement snuck in, even. “I.. dude. It’s okay.”

“I.. okay?” He felt like he was stranded out on a frozen lake, nervously eyeing the splintering cracks in the ice. Jared’s reaction wasn’t _bad,_ but it still had his breath stopping with anxiety flooding him.

“Like.. okay, obviously there’s.. a _lot_ going on,” Jared grinned a little when Evan choked out a short laugh - what an understatement, “but.. well, okay I guess this is as good a time as any? I mean.. me too, like.. I’m gay? Or, like, queer at least? Point being, I like dudes. I mean, regardless, though..” he paused to give his own stilted laugh, wringing his hands. “I- so.. I mean, everything isn’t like.. okay yet, obviously? But, yeah. I mean.. _you’re_ my best friend too, y’know. I.. like, point being it’s.. it’s alright, dude.”

“It’s.. alright?” Evan was still struggling to grasp where Jared was going, awkwardly shifting where he sat.

“Yes,” Jared forced as much confidence into the single word as he could, leaning forward a bit to place a hand on Evan’s knee. “Alright as in, like, we should.. probably talk about the ‘Murphy thing’ and then we could, like, think about kissing again.”

The absurdity of it had Evan nearly doubled over with a sharp laugh, “holy shit.”

“I’m baring my fucking heart for you here, dude!” He gave Evan’s knee a squeeze, trying and failing to sound incredulous.

“Sorry!” The apology fell a little flat considering Evan’s shoulders were shaking with laughter, eyes crinkled in amusement.

“You’re so fucking impossible.” Jared’s hand strayed to pull one of Evan’s out from under his leg, slipping his fingers between his. “I’m too tired for your bullshit.”

The laughter died down as Evan fought for breath in the wake of their connected hands, before he could open his mouth Jared was already talking again.

“How about we go back to sleep and wake up at a stupid time. Then you can tell me about whatever bullshit happened yesterday. And _then_ I can be a little upset again about everything,” despite the content of his words he pulled a tired, lopsided smile, “but we can figure it out.”

“I- yeah. That.. that sounds good.” 

Without thinking, Evan let a giddy smile cross his lips while Jared tugged him back down to lay together, facing each other already half asleep again.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos n comments mean the world <3


End file.
